It’s in these moments that I know I’m not like the rest of you. It’s when I’m reminded, ever so painfully, that there’s something wrong with me. That this disease I have is incurable. And it’s starting to spread.
When I’m faced with love, I break down. I crumble in the face of love. Whenever anything real is about to happen to me, my body physically packs up. It happens every time. And I know it will never get better. I cannot look Emotion in the eye. I cannot kiss it on the lips. I cannot.
Instead I seek the refuge in this online world. Where I am anonymous. Where I can pass by unnoticed, and none of you can attach yourselves to me. I look for the numbing solace of words. Words that crash around me like waves. Words that consume me like quicksand. Words that jumble around in my head as if they were bricks, dropping to the floor from skyscrapers shaken by an earthquake. I would have alcohol, but I’ve learnt that my body was not designed for that, either. So I must be content with words.
And always the self-hatred. The knowledge that it is withing my grasp, real or not, and I always take my own hand away. But it’s as though I have no choice. I cannot let these girls in, because then a part of my heart will go, too. And I fear that with each new girl, more of you will learn of my disease. And I will be treated like a leper. Like a non-human.
It’s my sickness that is preventing me leading the life I want to. Why can’t I be like you? Why can’t I be me? I want to go into the glass dome where true emotions are housed, but my mind won’t let me. And it’s in these moments that I fight a public battle with myself, and the girls can see. I don’t want them to see. I don’t want them to know that I’m sick. Because I can only have them if I’m healthy.
And I will never be healthy.
Anonymous asked: Well, I've read through it, and good for you. You're a strong person.
Thank you. That’s really special.
Anonymous asked: Why are you estranged with your mom?
This post I made on Christmas Day last year sums it up rather neatly.
5.
Red. Green. Amber. Red. Green. Amber. Red. Who do the traffic lights change for when there is no one on the streets?
Life goes on without us. We’re only here for a moment before we vanish back into nothingness. Wind will still blow and waves will still crash, trees will still grow and lightning will still flash.
Why am I so lonely? Is it the recognition that romance is dead; its legacy extended from an unknown previous era? Is it the fact that there is no one to comfort me in my sheltered ineptitude? Is it the knowledge that I will never reclaim the lost innocence of my infancy – a pure naivety to which I was never privy? Is it the infinite yearning for just a single taste of the nectar of joy which seems to be in such abundance in my fantasies?
Or is it simply the desire for another beating heart beside mine?
Because I stay in res, I have a monthly Internet cap. Just over a week ago, I got capped out. This was probably not such a bad thing, because it meant no distractions for when I was meant to be studying. This is a summary of the best things I did in that time.
- Went for a casual walk up the mountainside, in the rain, on my own, to see some wild zebras up close, as well as a full double rainbow. Loved experiencing the wonders of nature.
- Contravened residence regulations by having a lady friend sleep over. Loved having a warm body I could hold during the night.
- Switched over to the vegetarian meal option. Loved eating healthier food.
- Wrote two exams (Philosophy and Statistics). Loved walking out of the exam venues.
- Attended The Moody Blues concert, with 10CC as the opening act (Procol Harum was meant to perform as well but withdrew at the last minute because the lead singer fell and cracked his skull). Loved jamming it out with my dad.
- Read Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. Loved imagining a life without any fluff.
